My Bipolar Journey

“If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate,” a famous sentiment often attributed to IBM founder Thomas J. Watson, means that accelerating failure—and learning from it—is the fastest path to success. By treating mistakes as essential feedback rather than as an enemy, you iterate faster, build resilience, and gain the experience needed to succeed.

The only thing that people want in life is positive reinforcement, motivation and inspiration. During my career in radio sales, I had the opportunity to hire and train hundreds of sales people. And what I came to realize is that positive reinforcement is more important than a paycheck. It’s how we build children with confidence and self esteem.

Positive reinforcement—the addition of a rewarding stimulus following a desired behavior—is a powerful and generally preferred tool for motivating individuals, increasing performance, and building confidence. Research indicates that it is often more effective in the long term than punishment or negative reinforcement, as it fosters a positive environment and promotes lasting behavioral change.

My father taught me about the importance of forgiveness. Its the only way to move forward with your life. We forgive not only for the other person but for ourselves. During my major manic episode of 2023, I hurt a lot of family and friends with some type of verbal harassment. But I was lucky because when I was released from the hospital, all of my friends and family forgave me. They understood that it was the mania and not the real me.

Always treat people with compassion. They may be suffering from mental illness or other life challenges. My father taught me about the importance of helping others. And Anthony Robbins once said when you see a homeless person, stop, look them in the eye and talk to them. The vast majority of homeless people suffer from mental illness.

Life is a series of challenges punctuated by sporadic moments of happiness. Life is a continuous series of challenges, and it is through overcoming these obstacles—not avoiding them—that we grow, gain wisdom, and build resilience. Rather than waiting for a “perfect” time without problems, embracing these challenges as opportunities for growth allows us to find meaning and joy in the present moment.

After 6 months of languishing, I had to make a move. So I did, literally. I rented a condo and moved after the 6 months was over. That, coupled with the anti depressants lifted my spirits; I wasn’t back to my old self, but some forward progress was being made. My biggest challenge was what to do with my life. As I have no hobbies, it was difficult to get through the day. So I tried 3 things and failed 3 times. First, I took over the sales operation of a radio station. But the owner would only pay commission and it’s virtually impossible to hire new salespeople on straight commission. Second, I tried to form a mental health support group. It was promoted on social media and only 2 people showed up at the first meeting. The second had only one person and it became obvious it wasn’t going to work. Third, I decided to launch a small sales and marketing consultancy. There were 5 – 6 prospects, people that I knew, and I couldn’t close one. So I had to give up. There is a blog about giving up on my bipolar journey.

And then, when you least expect it, things started to happen. I don’t have any hobbies, but I love being on the radio and I also love music. And of course, helping others. So I focused in that direction. My first score was getting an on air shift in a small town just outside of Montreal playing soft seventies on the weekend. And I am now in talks with another radio station for an on air shift. Both stations are interested in talking to me about sales as well. Second, I volunteered my marketing knowledge to help a non-profit organization. And third, this blog has been cathartic and will eventually become my book on bipolar disorder. Hopefully, the book will help others who are going through the same thing. Finally, something to do that I enjoy.

While in the hospital, I read a book called Spirit Junkie. It was about how to recognize and change from fearful ways of thinking, to make way for bliss and how to maintain our happiness and share it with the world. By understanding and changing our perceptions, hang ups will melt away, resentment will release and a childhood faith in joy will be reignited.

Being released from the hospital after 4 months was a huge moment. I had only been out once or twice for a couple of hours, hadn’t driven for 4 months and did not have a place to live as I had sold my condo just before being jailed amd hospitalized. My release was based on my psychiatrists report and being cleared by the tribunal of judges, lawyers and psychologists that had been assigned my case. As with court, they accepted the recommendations of my psychiatrist. But for the first year, I was to be followed by a group of social workers and nurses. My blood tests were taken regularly in order to make sure that my lithium levels were fine. In Canada, the standard target for serum lithium levels in maintenance treatment for bipolar disorder is generally 0.6–0.8 mmol/L (12-hour trough), with a wider acceptable range of 0.6–1.2 mmol/L depending on the patient, according to expert consensus. For acute mania, higher levels (1.0–1.5 mmol/L) may be needed, while older adults (60+) often have lower targets (0.4–0.8 mmol/L).  My level was .07, so all good. Lithium is a medication primarily used as a mood stabilizer to treat bipolar disorder, specifically managing and preventing manic episodes and reducing suicide risk. It works by acting on the central nervous system to balance brain chemicals, though its exact mechanism is not fully understood. It is also used for treatment-resistant depression.

So now what? No home, no friends, no family. I had alienated everyone in my circle. Was I ready to rebuild my life at the age of 65? The first step was to find a place to live so I rented a room from a friend of mine for 6 months. The adaptation to normal life was very challenging. I literally did nothing for the first 6 months except watching Netflix and ordering junk food. I felt there was no reason to carry. The thought of suicide entered my mind. But as the saying goes, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The challenge was that I had nothing to do and was not motivated to do anything.

Thankfully my psychiatrist prescribed an anti depressant and it began to work. Although she had to be careful that it didn’t push me back into a manic state. So far, so good.

There were 2 separate visits to the hospital, one for 3 weeks and the second for 4 months. So, the second time around was easier as I knew the doctors and nurses. The care at the hospital from the doctors and nurses was exceptional. My psychiatrist was excellent – smart, compassionate and straightforward. And the nurses were truly wonderful. They really care about you as a person and are happy to listen to our thoughts and feelings. Psychiatric nurses are vital, specialized professionals who provide compassionate care for individuals with complex mental health conditions, often serving as a patient’s advocate during their darkest moments. They combine therapeutic skills with clinical knowledge to foster hope, manage crises, and break down stigma.

My doctor would see me daily and we went through the 5 charges that I had systematically. After hours and hours of conversation, he said that I would get a pass. That meant that his report to the judge would be that I not be held criminally responsible for my actions. And this is exactly what happened when I appeared in front of the judge.

The feeling of being in the psych ward was surreal. I was surrounded by people who had many different mental illnesses. Sadly, some of them had no hope for a future. Back to the nurses, the foundation of the ward. I had 3 nurses that made an impact on me. One was very sweet with a real desire to not only help, but listen to your concerns. One was tasked with giving me the good and bad news of the day. She was highly competent, a good listener, and told it like it was. One was kind and gentle, always with a smile on her face and not afraid to tell me a little bit about her life.

My time in the hospital taught me about the importance of empathy and compassion.

I never dreamt in a million years that I would ever be in prison. But due to a shortage of beds at the psychiatric hospital, I was sent to jail for 24 days. Needless to say, I was horrified. You’ve heard all the stories. But it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Because of my age (65), I was safe; the other inmates made it clear that no one would bother me. A sigh of relief. The inmates are respectful, kind and also take great care in the cleanliness of their cell. There is one leader in a cellblock of about 25 inmates. I only saw one physical incident when one of the inmates defied the leader; he was taken care of and I will let your imagination fill in the blanks.

Going to jail while in a manic episode is a recognized consequence of bipolar disorder, occurring when symptoms lead to impulsive, illegal actions. Approximately 10–13% of people with bipolar disorder report legal involvement during their most severe manic episodes. Common charges stem from behaviors such as sexual disinhibition, erratic behavior, violent outbursts, or financial, according to Psychiatry Online.

I met several very interesting people. One young kid who would get me my Splenda every morning. I found out that he killed someone but wouldn’t share the details. One gentleman who exercised feverishly every day who was a male stripper. One you kid who couldn’t read or write and grew up with no parents in foster care. Talk about the odds being stacked against you. And my closest friend who was an expert in digital marketing. The feeling of being behind bars is surreal. The feeling of being released is incredible.