My Bipolar Journey

As someone who suffers from bi-polar disorder, you have to stop and take a look at the big picture. You face more daily challenges than the average person but what does your big picture look like? Do you have your health? Do you have a small group of friends that have your back? All families are dysfunctional; are you connected to at least one family member? My ex-wife is crazy. She was when I first met her. She was a secretary who lived in a lower end community with her alcoholic father and schizophrenic mother. I worked summers at Stelco and was the mail boy and her desk was on my mail route. She saw an opportunity and pounced. I was going to McGill and had a bright future and my father was the accounting director for Eastern Canada. A huge upgrade for her. She once told a friend of mine that she married a bank. After dating for 5 years, she gave me an ultimatum amd I acquiesced. The day after my proposal I called my mother saying ” I made a mistake ” and until her death last year she always regretted not taking measures to stop me.

My parents didn’t like her for several reasons not the least of which is that she was a pathological liar. Also, she had a very low IQ so it made intelligent conversation almost impossible. So the moral of the story? If something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.

It ruined my life.

Deciding whether it is time to give up depends on whether you are facing a temporary challenge that needs rest or a harmful situation that requires a change in direction.

Signs It May Be Time to Walk Away

• Chronic Unhappiness: Your experience is consistently more stressful or painful than rewarding.
• Value Misalignment: The goal, job, or relationship goes against your core ethics or personal principles.
• Health and Well-being Neglect: You suffer physical exhaustion, burnout, or neglect basic care like sleep and nutrition.
• One-Sided Effort: You are carrying all the emotional or physical weight without any reciprocation or progress.
• Relief at the Thought of Quitting: Imagining yourself stopping brings an immediate sense of safety and calm rather than panic.

Questions to Ask Yourself First

• Are you quitting the goal or the strategy? Sometimes you do not need to abandon what you want; you just need to change how you are trying to get there (quitting the “how” while keeping the “why”).
• Is this the Sunk Cost Fallacy? Are you staying only because of how much time, money, or energy you already spent rather than future value?
• What would happen if you paused? Give yourself permission to step back briefly to see if you are truly done or simply overtired.

So I have decided to give up; not give up on life by committing suicide, rather giving up on any projects that involve other people. I will simply stay home and avoid human interaction at all costs. Every project that I have embarked upon has blown up in my face.

Yes, giving up or letting go of a goal, habit, or path is completely okay when it no longer serves your well-being, health, or values.

When Giving Up Is Healthy (Letting Go)

• Unattainable Goals: Chasing a goal that is impossible or rigid can lead to high stress, anxiety, depression, and poor physical health.
• Toxic Environments: Leaving a draining job, an unsupportive friend group, or a harmful relationship is a form of self-care and redirection.
• Pivoting Your Path: Stepping away from a dead-end plan frees up your energy to find new, meaningful pursuits that actually fit who you are now.

If you suffer from bipolar disorder, every single dispute that takes place in your life is a losing proposition. You must lose because you cannot defend yourself for fear of being perceived as manic and then possibly being placed in the hospital. The best course of action in every situation is to give up. Don’t fight. Don’t defend your rights. Don’t speak up because the outcome will be negative. I encountered several situations this past week where I acquiesce instead of defending my position. My sister prevented me from seeing my mother for 2 years and also when she entered palliative care. But I was told not to make any major decisions at tbis point in my life so my sister wins and I lose. I had a problem with my landlords at a condo that I was renting. They filed a report with the Tribunal de Logement. So they win and I lose. I mentioned to a friend that an acquaintance of ours said he was tough to reach. Once the word got back, i was lambasted and told off. I had to back off and accept my punishment. I was playing poker at a local bowling alley and I won several hundred dollars. But when I asked for the money I was told to wait and put in my place. I lose again. I was in a casino in Ontario and complained about the fact that the machines weren’t paying. I said I would file a complaint at their head office. The dimwitted security guard then threw me out. I lose again.

So what is the moral of the story. If you are bipolar, always give up in any confrontation. You will never win and probably get yourself into trouble. When there is a spotlight shining on you, be careful. Dont be too happy, dont be too joyous and dont celebrate. Stay in your box and dont rock thr boat.

YOU WILL ALWAYS LOSE

There are times when you have to take stock in your relationship. Sometimes we find that we are still a couple despite the enormous amount of red flags and disconnects that exist. My recent relationship was toxic and although I realized this, I stayed because it was easier to stay than go. It takes guts to walk away from what you know to an uncertainty.

In my case, there were many red flags but I stayed because I was in the midst of a depression so I was literally hanging on by a thread. She began to create a distance, but God forbid, would ever broach the subject. Finally her distance caused me to say “do you want to break up?” and she said yes.

At that moment, I felt a rush of relief sweep over me like an albatross being taken off my shoulders. A wonderful feeling of freedom and the opportunity to pursue something new, real and authentic

Here were the red flags …

1. No love
2. No intimacy
3. No affection
4. No give and take, just take and take
5. Lack of trust – not willing to be a FB friends
6. Not wiling to introduce me to her kids
7. Not supporting my ideas and actually actively opposing them
8. Never, ever, ever so much as bought me a coffee. I paid for everything since 2017
9. Never, ever, ever showing me an ounce of affection. Imagine being in a relationship since 2017.and your partner never once hugged or kissed you
10. Ignoring what was important to me, my radio show on Sundays was something that Ii loved to do and she never once listened to it.
11. What the hell was wrong with me? Anyone in their right mind would have run for the hills. Luckily I managed to escape and now my life ie happy again.

Thank God. So if you are stuck in a toxic relationship, be bold and leave. It will give you the chance at a positive futuure.

Couples with at least one partner managing bipolar disorder experience higher divorce rates, ranging between 50% and 90%, which is 2 to 3 times the average population rate. However, this percentage varies significantly; relationships involving untreated bipolar disorder or concurrent substance misuse face the highest failure rates.

I can corroborate with bipolar disorder ruining 4 of my personal relationships. Each one had a different twist. One of them blew up when I was in a manic episode and threw the individual out of my home for lying. Probably, too extreme. Another blew up because I harassed the individual via text and said some terrible things. The third one blew up because I was in a deep depression and could not handle getting out of bed, let alone be together. And finally, one situation was based on text harassment and resulted in my arrest.

Bipolar makes having a solid relationship very difficult because you move from sadness to happiness and back again.

It has been 2 1/2 years since the manic episode of summer / fall 2023. This is the manic episode that almost ruined my life. I lost everything – home, job, girlfriend, family, friends, and any sense of positive self esteem. After 3 weeks in jail and 4 months in a psychiatric ward, I was finally released. What am I to do? I had essentially given up but something inside of me said that I should keep on going. So I did. Slowly regaining the circle of family and friends that I had lost. Finding another on  air gig with two other possibilities. And just this week, moving into a new condo which I love as it has a view of the water (very peaceful), a heated inground pool and a gym. I’m so happy and believe that I deserve good things. And my confidence is back. The final piece of the puzzle was a lawsuit against me for $30,000 because when I was manic, I signed a lease for a 4 bedroom house, for one person. Thankfully we settled a much lower amount. So, in the words of a dear friend of mine, “he’s back”. The moral of the story is never, ever, ever give up.

In the fall of 2023, I was in a manic state and my life was slowly falling apart. A manic state, or manic episode, is a psychiatric syndrome characterized by abnormally elevated energy, arousal, and an expansive or highly irritable mood lasting at least a week. It significantly disrupts daily functioning and is the primary feature of bipolar I disorder.

There had been many incidents with the police and 5 arrests, all for verbal harassment. On this fall day in October, I was wandering around Walmart and talking to people. I didn’t feel as if I was causing any trouble. But Walmart called the police and they arrived as I was leaving. They questioned me and let me go. An hour later, I was in Dollarama and they showed up again and I was detained for questioning. I spoke to a social worker on the phone and she ascertained that I must go to the hospital. I was given no choice.

The “P-38” refers to the Act respecting the protection of persons whose mental state presents a danger to themselves or to others in Quebec. It is the legal framework that allows police and medical professionals to force a psychiatric evaluation or confinement on someone who is a “grave and immediate danger” to themselves or others, without their consent.

When I arrived, the doctor sat with me and asked a series of questions. I thought everything would be fine and I would be released. He excused himself and when he returned declared that I was in a manic state and had to stay in the hospital. A psychiatric hold, particularly for an extended duration like 3 weeks, is an involuntary or emergency medical admission for individuals who present a danger to themselves or others, or are unable to care for themselves. The primary goal is to stabilize the individual, evaluate their symptoms, and adjust treatments.

So in my state, I decided to try and leave. I was held back by the police and before I knew it, I was on a gurney surrounded by a dozen people and was injected with haldol.

Haldol is a typical antipsychotic medication. It is prescribed to treat schizophrenia, manage tics in Tourette syndrome, and control severe behavioral issues or acute psychosis. It works by balancing dopamine levels in the brain.

I awoke about 12 hours later and found my arms and legs strapped to a concrete slab in a dark room with no windows. As a matter of fact, there was nothing in the room. Several nurses came in to check on me, they undid the straps, helped me up to the bathroom and brought me some food. That was the beginning of my journey.

One of the key factors in mania is not being able to determine the difference between right and wrong. And in the last days of my manic episode, this is precisely what happened. I signed a lease with my real estate agent and a landlord to rent a 4 bedroom house for $3,000 per month. Extravagant and illogical. Within days of signing the lease, I was arrested and put in jail because there was no room at the psychiatric ward of the hospital. And communicating from a jail cell is virtually impossible. After 3 weeks, a judge had me transferred to the hospital where I spent the next four months. Once again, hard to communicate with no cell phone and just the public phones at the hospital. I felt bad for the owner, but there was nothing that I could do. About a year goes by and I’m living in a room at a friend’s. I receive a letter from the Tribunal Administratif de Logement saying that the owner was suing me for $30,000. That’s quite a substantial amount for a place that I never set foot in and he rented four months later. So I either have to hire a lawyer or represent myself in the next few weeks. Is it fair? No. But by the same token, I understand the owner. I will ask my psychiatrist to write a letter explaining the situation to the judge. We had a mediation session several months ago where I offered to pay the owner $7,500 but he refused. He has absolutely no comprehension of what it means to suffer from a mental illness. So, pardon the pun, but the jury is out. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that this turns out for the best.

Once you are diagnosed with bipolar disorder, your family and friends look at you from a different perspective. First, you may have done something to hurt them during a manic episode. Even though you didn’t know the difference between right and wrong, you still made a negative impact on their lives. The vast majority of people that you hurt in some way, shape or form will forgive you. They are perceptive enough to know that there is a difference between the real you and the manic version.

However, once you have recovered through medication and therapy, you will still be looked at through a different set of eyes. For example, a friend asked me if I had my lithium levels tested recently. Another group of 3 friends showed up at my place one day to talk, I called it an intervention. And my son suggested that I was unhinged because of a rant that I posted on Facebook about King Charles. They only acted out of concern  but I was nowhere near manic. My lithium prevents me from getting high. Lithium is a highly effective, evidence-based treatment for bipolar disorder and a potent “add-on” (augmentation) therapy for treatment-resistant unipolar depression, often reducing suicide risk. It works as a mood stabilizer, generally requiring1 300–1800mg daily, monitored via blood tests to maintain safe levels (0.5–1.2 mmol/L).

So it’s disconcerting that any upbeat, happy moments can be perceived as mania. At the end of the day, their perceptions are based on a genuine concern for my welfare.

Normal describes what is usual, typical, or expected, conforming to a standard, average, or regular pattern. It applies to behaviors within societal norms, expected patterns, or standard measurements like temperature or health. But is there truly such a thing as normal. It has different meanings for different people. I think normal is the ability to differentiate between right and wrong. When you are manic, you cannot tell the difference. Your mind is not able to determine the difference. And although there is a rush of feelings and emotions, it is also very dangerous. During my mania in the summer and fall of 2023, there were 15 incidents where the police were called. I was arrested 5 times because of verbal harassment; fortunately, it didn’t go any further. But it did result in spending 24 days at Bordeaux before being sent to the psychiatric ward of the Valleyfield Hospital for 4 months.

Key Characteristics and Usage Examples

• Social and Emotional Functioning: Someone who can navigate daily life without immense effort, maintain relationships, and experience typical emotional responses to situations.
• Social Conformity: Often implies following established rules, laws, and cultural conventions—e.g., getting a job, marrying, or adhering to a “9-to-5” routine.
• Absence of Impairment: A person without significant psychological, emotional, or physical impediments to daily functioning.
• Examples: A person who enjoys popular culture, holds a regular job, engages in typical socialization, and maintains a stable daily routine (e.g., waking up early, working, managing household chores).

So, what is normal? I think it’s different things for different people. A retired person may be comfortable staying home and limiting their socializing. Whereas, a working person may be happy working 50 hours a week and partying every weekend. As long as you are not breaking the law, your normal can be anything that you want it to be as long as it makes you happy.