My Bipolar Journey

The summer of 2023 begins with pneumonia. I was driving to Florida and couldn’t stop coughing so I went into the Brockville General Hospital. They did a series of tests and they told me it was pneumonia and gave me a prescription. I said to the doctor that I was going to drive home to Montreal but she said to stay in Brockville for a couple of nights, so I did. I went to bed at 330pm in the afternoon and woke up at 330pm the next day. But my manic behavior ramped up. Manic behavior is a symptom of bipolar I disorder characterized by a distinct period of abnormally elevated, euphoric, or irritable mood and high energy lasting at least a week. Key behaviors include a decreased need for sleep, rapid speech, racing thoughts, extreme distractibility, grandiosity, and impulsive, risky actions like lavish spending or reckless investments.

Then I was fired from my dream on air radio job due to my comportment. I made suggestions to my girlfriend that were inappropriate. There was an altercation with the owner of a store. The police incidents continued and I racked up 5 arrests, all for verbal harassment. And then came something that I never dreamed possible. Prison. I hired a criminal lawyer who turned out to be my savior. As he said, mania is not knowing the difference between right or wrong

After my surgeries and subsequent manic phase, I slipped into a depression again. This one would last for 3 long years. Prolonged depression, clinically known as Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD) or dysthymia, is a chronic, low-grade mood disorder lasting for at least two years (one year in children). It is characterized by a persistent sad, empty, or irritable mood, along with symptoms like low energy, low self-esteem, and hopelessness.

And then Covid hit and I lost my driver’s license for speeding (when I was manic of course). Being stuck at home for 90 days was debilitating. And business at my radio station plummeted and there was less and less to do. I managed to drag myself out of bed to voice track my radio show but beyond that did very little. At the same time, my daughter and her dog were living with me and that became increasingly difficult. Also, the townhouse was too far out of the city so, I sold it and moved into a condo that I had been renting to an elderly lady who sadly passed away.

It felt as if this depression would never end and my psychiatrist even suggested electro shock therapy. There was no light at the end of the tunnel and I questioned why I was alive. But as someone who suffers from bipolar disorder and decides not to take their medication, the roller coaster will continue.

In the latter part of 2015, the stomach pain became unbearable. I went to my doctor and he suggested that I go to the hospital. Of course, I resisited. But after a week of excruciating pain, I relented. The prognosis was a bowel obstruction and immediate surgery. Despite my fear of hospitals and operations, I had no choice. In the first of 3 operations, the surgeon inserted a colostomy bag to eliminate the obstruction. A month later, I had a second surgery that would remove one foot of my colon. Thankfully, it was benign. And the third operation was to remove the bag and hopefully get back to normal. The surgeries and subsequent pain really hit hard. And I slipped into a depression after a 10+ year period.

Post-op depression is a common, temporary, and treatable condition, affecting many patients with sadness, anxiety, and fatigue weeks or months after surgery. Caused by anesthesia, physical pain, and trauma, it often includes symptoms like sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, and hopelessness. Treatment involves social support, rest, gentle exercise, and potentially antidepressants.

At the time I was not seeing a psychiatrist, so my family doctor prescribed Paxil again and it vaulted me into a manic state which destroyed a relationship, caused an arrest on false charges, and wreaked havoc on my day to day life. I was arrested for harassment and luckily the charges were dropped. All of my arrests were based on verbal harassment, I never touched another person. I’m a pacifist and have never raised a hand to another individual in my life.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, my father was amazingly supportive during my manic and depressive episodes. He never judged and understood that it was not me, it was an altered reality based on a mental illness. He co-signed for a house giving me the opportunity to get back on my feet after ruining my credit status. He was the finest man to walk the face of the earth. I would tell people that my father was perfect and the response was typically ” nobody’s perfect ” But he was in my eyes. He started working in the mail room at The Steel Company of Canada and worked his way up to Accounting Manager, Eastern Region. He taught me about work ethic, honesty and helping others.

After he retired, he went back to school at Concordia and got a degree in theology. He then became a deacon at St. Luke’s Church. He served the church and the community until he left this world. His official title was The Most Reverend Deacon James Thompson. But he was humble and spent the vast majority of his time helping others in the community.

When he died in 2006, it was like my world fell apart. He guided me, helped me financially, and always knew what to say in any given situation. After he left us, things never seemed the same. I will never forget him.

It’s been 68 days since I was detained. Between prison and the hospital, my mind has traveled to many different places. From despair to hope, from fear to calm, from manic to real, and from sadness to happiness. In the next 24 hours, a judge will hopefully accept my psychiatrists report and grant me the freedom that I desire. It’s been a long road, however, necessary in the journey of my life. And if I didn’t follow this path, there is no telling what may have happened. If everything happens for a reason, and you believe in fate, then this journey was meant to be.

After being prescribed Paxil for my depression, I vaulted into my first manic episode. Anti depressants can induce mania through a process called affective switching where a patient’s mood shifts from depression to an abnormally elevated state.

Mania is a state of abnormally elevated energy, emotion, or irritability lasting at least a week, characterized by intense euphoria or agitation, reduced need for sleep, rapid speech, racing thoughts, and high-risk behaviors. It is a core symptom of bipolar disorder, often leading to impaired judgment and potential hospitalization.

In my first manic episode, I exhibited all of the above mentioned symptoms. I felt as if I was invincible and could do anything. In the 1993 film Mr. Jones, Richard Gere portrays a character with bipolar disorder who experiences severe manic episodes, including euphoria, grandiose delusions, and risky behaviors like believing he can fly. Gere’s portrayal highlights the high-energy, charismatic, and impulsive highs of the illness, as well as the accompanying depression.

Some of the things that I experienced were

• Excessive spending including a $10,000 American Express bill in one month
• When in Florida, sitting in the home of an Australian couple taking about multi million dollar real estate deals when I did not have that kind of money
• Buying a pair of Nikes and scraping them on the sidewalk and throwing them out and buying a new pair

The more recent manic stories will be featured in a future blog.

When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize thst you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandering a few feet off the path, that you will find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.

After my first bipolar episode, I was able to maintain a balance with the help of family, friends, doctors and medication. Unfortunately during my manic period, I left a successful radio career and joined a professional sports team as VP of Sales and Marketing. This proved to be an unwise decision and I had to leave after 3 months. So, no job and 3 kids to support. I approached the major radio stations in town and was hired by one.

At that point, I was still in a depression so it proved very challenging to be in sales. My father was ultra supportive and we met every day for a year at St. Joseph’s Oratory. Incredible. And my best friend came to my house every day so that we could go for a walk. Amazing. Once I started to feel better, I decided to start a mental health support group and with my radio connections, we managed to have 45 people show up at our first meeting. On average, support groups typically have 5 – 10 participants. It was at that point that I realized people needed help. The support group was helpful to many people over the 10 year period that it existed, but it was also both therapeutic and cathartic for me. I left the radio business and joined a funeral and cemetery company as Director of Marketing. This would prove to be a good decision from the perspective of having a steady job that I enjoyed. I also got divorced and was diagnosed with diabetes. Plenty of challenges, but I did not give up. A dear friend of mine once described me as relentless.

Its a Friday afternoon and all went well in the words of my lawyer. I watched the judge say that I was not criminally responsible for the 3 charges against me based on being in a manic phase. The words seemed to come out of his mouth in slow motion as I relished and truly appreciated their implications. My mania caused me to act in a way that I didn’t know the difference between right or wrong. A sense of relief poured over me and I fell into a deep slumber, finally able to relax and move forward with my life.

A rush of emotions came over me tonight.  A flashback to everything that has happened in my life. I sit alone in the hospital cafeteria and look around at the people who suffer from some form of mental illness from generalized anxiety disorder to schizophrenia to bipolar disorder. And then I start to think about my family and friends, the problems that I have caused and the relationships that can never be salvaged. Will things ever get back to normal? Bipolar disorder has had a monumental impact on my life and it hurts to the core to reflect uopn it. Why me? Others sail through life although everyone has their cross to bear. My favorite doctor once said that going through a mental illness will make you stronger. Hopefully this is true and my life will get better.